[Quest] Fungal Funk

1003 WORDS ▪ QUEST ▪ Zam's Turn~

hile channel surfing, one might sometimes stumble upon unexpected sights. Like right now, the cooking channel was playing direct footage from the feared Mushroom Forest by the outskirts of the dreaded Diablo Desert. Mushrooms as tall as trees reached for the sky, plotting out the sun from the murky wilderness. Weird fungal beasts lurked in the shadows.

But, it turns out, this wasn’t a strange nature documentary after all.

A mustachioed man in a spotless white outfit popped in front of the camera. “‘Allo allo~! Oui, eet ees I, Sam Widge! Today, I am in ze Forest of Mushrooms to elevate moi cooking to a new level.” He directed a sweeping gesture at a fancy cooking setup with the ominous forest as his backdrop.

The world-famous chef directed his hand at something off-screen. “And zis brave young lady will help moi. Why don’t you do the introducing of yourself?” Slowly, the camera panned over to reveal something just as peculiar as the looming forest.

A pink, tomboyish girl waved excitedly. By the way she was dressed, she resembled a genie from fairytales. Any scholars watching probably spat out their afternoon tea. It wasn’t every day you saw a real Majin. Much less one not causing untold destruction. She flashed a bright smile.

“I’m Zam! And I-”

Chef Widge cut her off, hogging the camera again. “Oui, verrry interesting. Now, today’s ingredient ees ze one and only, Fighting Fungus. Ees tres dangeroux, but have no fear, mon fans, for I am in no danger, non.” He glanced at the girl the same way snobbish people looked at a mangy dog. “Go, go. And do not come back without ze beeg mushroom.” He shooed her away, before returning to practically kissing the camera.

Luckily, Zam was more than eager to get going. She rushed off to the unknown with a smile on her lips. It was an adventure in a strange land. Over streams of ooze, through thickets of spores and under mushroom trees of all sizes, she searched. Beneath her breath, she muttered something about a glowing cap.

And soon enough she found it.

Or rather... It found her.

The little Majin barely noticed one of the thick shadows moving, before it was already upon her. A humanoid mushroom rushed her, tackling her with the cap. She was slammed against a tree with a squeak. Showing no mercy, the violent shroom proceeded to punch the lights out of her. Strikes hammered her like heavy rain. Within moments, she was reduced to a mere puddle of goo...

However, as the mushroom monster turned to leave, the pile of pink goop suddenly wiggled. An ominous giggle echoed from nowhere. It sprang up, snapping into the girl’s shape in an instant. Crimson eyes burned like embers and a crescent grin stretched beneath them.

“Now is Zam’s turn~”

Following the ominous chime, the Majin unleashed a vicious beatdown on the unsuspecting prey. Her rubbery arms stretched and curved, catching the mushroom from every angle. Each hit was like a strike from an iron mace, leaving behind heavy dents. The foe couldn’t withstand the pummeling for long. Within moments it was reduced to just mush. Only the glowing cap remained mostly intact.

Zam’s gaze lost the crimson coloration. Likewise, her grin lost the sharp edge. Humming happily, she pried the cap free from the rest of the mangled mush. This was good, right? Mister Chef didn’t say she had to bring back the whole thing, right? Plus that mushy stuff looked icky, sooo... This would do~!

Soon, the victorious adventurer marched with her glowing trophy hoisted over her head. Her swift return made several jaws drop. Clearly most of the crew were prepared to wait for a while... Some started hastily hiding medical equipment and putting the stretcher away.

Only the chef was tapping his foot impatiently. “Finally! Give me zat.” Scoffing, he snatched the cap that was almost as tall as him. After a brief inspection, his expression brightened. “Oui! Zis ees eet! Now... We cook!” It was a complete shift in energy, from pompous to... excited? Strangely excited, even.

With inhuman strength, the chef tossed the shroom onto a cutting board. Flashing a dangerous grin, he pulled out a massive knife. Slashing, cutting and dicing, he made short work of the huge thing. With skills like that, he could’ve stood a chance against the live mushroom monster.

The cooking itself was equally chaotic. Widge was like a living tornado in the makeshift kitchen. Meat sizzled, vegetables bobbed and broth bubbled. For the finishing touches, he unleashed a flurry of various spices. Red, orange and green puffs of dust painted the air.

A pot of hot stew was ready in mere moments. At a closer glance, it looked rather nice. Mushroom bits, meat chunks and diced vegetables floated in a lovely, brown stew. A very healthy, earthy look. The scent was spicy, the kind that tickled the nose.

Turning to the camera, the chef went to toot his own horn in great length. about how he had just reinvented the whole concept of mushroom stew. And now you could too, with his latest recipe book, costing only... And so forth. Words kept spilling forth like the fillings of a sandwich stuffed too full.

Meanwhile, Zam grabbed a spoon and tentatively tasted the odd stew. After the first spoonful, she froze. Her eyes went wide, pupils shrinking into pinpricks. The spoon slipped from her fingers and clattered softly against the table. Birds scattered, squawking in panic, as a sudden shout shook the entire forest.

“BLEEEH THIS IS DISGUSTING!”

Upon hearing this, Chef Widge aimed an outright murderous glare at the ignorant fool who dared to disrespect his wonderful cuisine. Red coloration crept across his features. His chest heaved with a deep breath... The broadcast was promptly cut. And that day Zam learned many new words you were not allowed to say on television. It was also the first time she punched a chef. Learning experiences came in many forms.